January
Wojciech Szczesny doesn’t mind a fag
What is it with Arsenal players and smoking? Perhaps it gives them something to do while they’re waiting for their turn in the crowded treatment room. The hard-to-spell keeper took it to new heights in January when he had a delicious cigarette in the showers after their New Year’s Day defeat to Southampton. Arsène Wenger by all accounts went bananas, not least because the fag-ash gloveman had just turned in a wretched performance between the sticks, and reportedly fined him 20 grand. That is one pricey ciggy.
Crocodiles know a rotter when they see one
Turning up for training at Bayern Munich’s January mid-season camp in Qatar, eagle-eyed hacks noticed that diving’s Arjen Robben had a bandage on his hand. They asked why. “I was bitten by a crocodile,” said Robben. Possibly true, possibly not. Arjen then revealed he had rolled around on the floor and played dead to confuse his toothy adversary. Maybe.
A sly, slippery opportunistic predator, and on the left, a crocodile
Football awards are no place for free thinking
Roy Hodgson, who might think he's earned the right to praise whichever footballers he pleases, nominated an unusual trio for his Ballon D’Or vote. Roy picked Javier Mascherano of Barcelona and the German pair of Philipp Lahm and Manuel Neuer. Teh internetz was outraged: didn’t this old fool know that the most important debate in football is who is better out of Messi and Ronaldo?
The best, or at least in the top three. Fun to say in a Roy accent, too. Photo: AFP/GETTY
When ITV get rid, it’s with a lot less fanfare than when they hire
The New Year brought a new broom at ITV, who finally grew tired of Adrian Chiles and quietly – very quietly – replaced him as their main football anchor with Mark Pougatch. Chiles, such a warm and enjoyable broadcaster on BBC for Match of the Day 2 et al, never settled at ITV: unable to get his flow due to the ad breaks and reduced simply to sucking up to his pundits. Even still, it was a surprise when ITV dug deep to set him free. The affable Pougers has done a decent, low-key job since.
Don’t mess with Steven Defour
The former Standard Liege player signed for rivals Anderlecht in August, playing his first derby for his new side in January. He was greeted with a giant banner that showed his decapitated head and the words ‘Red or Dead’. Nice. Defour wasn’t taking that lying down, though, and whacked the ball at the banner, earning himself a red (not dead) card.
DR Congo has no time for the injured
It’s no joke playing for DR Congo, as defender Gabriel Zakuani discovered this year. The Peterborough United player picked up a knock in their match against local rivals Congo (who are not a doctor). As the lad was being helped onto the stretcher, the cavalry arrived in the shape of an over-enthusiastic golf buggy driver, who was supposed to help load up the stretcher, but instead ended up driving into the stricken stopper. Insult to injury… to injury.
February
Neymar hearts Katy
A proud moment for Katy Perry in February when no less a personage than Neymar declared himself a fan of the perky, now Russell Brand-free pop queen. The ‘I Kissed A Girl’ hitmaker played a gig in Barcelona, and who should be in the front row but the left-sided darling of the Camp Nou? So happy was Neymar with the performance that he filmed himself and his pals enjoying it. Could be the celebrity friendship of 2016.
Inter fans can be mean
After a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Sassuolo in February, Internazionale skipper Mauro Icardi trotted over to the fans to applaud them and say sorry and generally do some ambassadorial work. The striker even went so far as to take his jersey off and throw it into the crowd, no doubt thinking it would be a nice memento for one lucky Nerazzurri supporter. Sadly, someone in the crowd just chucked it right back at him. Icardi’s response? He called the crowd “pieces of sh*t*. Winning hearts and minds, there.
Icardi with Inter fans in happier times Photo: Reuters
We all got to know who Andy Kellett, albeit just for a moment
A big transfer deadline day for Manchester United fans at the start of the year as they wondered who Big Louis would get in to bolster their iffy squad. A new Rooney, perhaps? The midfield general they have been lacking since Keano retired to spend more time angrily walking his dog? A return for Ronaldo, even? Step forward... Andy Kellett from Bolton, a man nobody had heard of before, and whom few people have heard of since. He joined Man United on loan, never played for the first team, and now plies his trade at Wigan Athletic.
Aaron Lennon is not one for the photographs
Signing on loan for Everton in January, the pint-sized wing wizard was wheeled in front of the cameras for the traditional cheesy signing photo. For reasons of his own (shyness? fear of the North West? Gas?) wee Aaron looked not excited, or cheerful, but basically just devastated. “I blame the photographer,” joked Roberto Martinez.
Roy’s not too bothered about the whole role model thing
When you’re struggling Manchester United and you’re facing an opponent as mighty as Proud Preston, you have to try to get a result by any means necessary. But when Wayne Rooney dived to win a penalty, some people thought it was poor form, such as Stan Collymore, who said: "I’m bitterly disappointed, he is the England captain and Manchester United captain and he’s better than that." The England manager, however, was fine with it.
Jose Mourinho can silence even Chris Kamara
Surely the TV booking of the year was the February coup Goals on Sundaypulled off when they managed to get Jose Mourinho on. The boss of relegation-battlers Chelsea naturally saw the opportunity as a chance to air some grievances and address the nation. The particular axe Mourinho was grinding was that of referees picking on the saintly Diego Costa (now frankly the least of his worries). Kammy just sat back to enjoy the show.
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